The end.

This has been a summer of change. While we set out to capture the experiences going raw, so many other things were in transition at the same time. Madeline started working full time, I graduated and will be starting grad school on Monday. We've learned so much about ourselves and have grown in so many ways.

The biggest change occurred several weeks ago, though, and we've been dealing with the aftermath ever since. After 5 years, Madeline and I have broken up. It was swift and sudden, unexpected and devastating. Certainly we struggled with our fair share of friction inherent in a relationship, but I truly did not expect things to end this way.

Dividing a shared household is messy. I am moving out, into my own apartment, in one week. I am taking the two older cats, Ruthie and Naomi. Mad is keeping Fred and Ethel.

I am heartbroken, but committed to strength, creating a new life for myself and starting over. I am thinking about starting a new blog, single-girl-takes-on-the-world-kind-of-thing. Some cooking, some decorating, knitting. I will not post a link here, but leave me a comment or send me a message if you'd like to be notified. It's just an idea at the moment, though. It may not come to fruition.

The end of a relationship is like a death, in some fashion. The loss of what was, of who we used to be, and everything we had. There is no opportunity for reconciliation. We crashed and burned rather spectacularly. But I deeply mourn the loss of our potential. I wanted so much more.

I want to end this blog with a memorial of us when we were happy together.

November 2004, one month after we began dating:

May 2009:

The end.

-Eloise

Now with 90% more knitting!

So my blog has felt completely unmoored by the lack of raw foodism going on around here, which is good for me, but leaves little writing fodder. And as it turns out, I like to write.

I am, however, a girl of obsession - if not food, then school or another project- and my longest running obsession has been my aforementioned knitting habit. I love to the think about projects and yarn, pairings of color and construction details. I rarely work from patterns, preferring to sit down with a tape measure, a calculator , graph paper and my trusty copy of Vogue Knitting to calculate the things in my head. My favorite phase of knitting comes prior to picking up the needles, that breathy anticipation of possibility. I am the seemingly rare monogamous knitting who works on one project straight through to completion.

This summer has been particularly fruitful (ha! fruitful. I slay me.) in the knits. I've cranked out a half dozen kerchief scarves since spring, which are my favorite accessory. I have also knit 1.5 sweaters. Although it feels more like three or four, since the 2nd sweater has been frogged twice at near completion due to some serious shaping flaws. And I have this cardigan that's been flowering in my head all afternoon.

It ebbs and flows. Last week I was feeling very stagnant, frustrated with the constant frogging-and-reknitting that my current project seemed to require, but today I feel excited and energized. So much so that I logged into blog about my love of knitting.

It's an odd coincidence, then, that as soon as I logged in, the first post to appear on my blog reading list was Jacey's latest podcast over at Insubordiknit. I have a crazy knitter crush on Jacey (ask Madeline, who was roped into my game of 'Let's see if we can meet her' at this past year's Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival- we did, as documented here), and her podcast is so smart and funny, but this one is particularly special, to me anyway. In it, she tells my story.

I haven't listened to it yet, although I will as soon as I get home. I'm excited! And nervous! It's not a story I tell often. The whole Christian-girl-turned-mental-patient-to-finally-become-gay-and-happy is too convoluted for cocktail parties (or the open bar nights I'm more likely to attend), and there's a lot of raw emotion still associated with it. As far as most of the people in my life are concerned, I am distant kin to Athena, mortal (not goddess) sprung forth fully formed at 19 without a past and moving only forward. It's comfortable that way. But everyone has a story, and this one is mine. Maybe you can relate. And maybe it will facilitate understanding. Or maybe you'll be entertained.

So go listen!

-Eloise

P.S. Ever important yarn details: both knits pictured are small generic triangle shawls made from the following yarns:

1. Drops Alpaca and Bijou Basin 50/50 Yak Down/Fine Wool trimmed with Koigu
2. Noro Silk Garden Sock with picot bind-off

There would be more pictures of many more kerchiefs, but my camera is being repaired by Canon. Again.

An end and a beginning

Ok. I packed up the scale and hid it in the recesses of a closet. I stopped counting calories and stepped away from the mirror. And I'm no longer calling myself raw.

New eating mantra: Don't eat crap.

What started out as a healthy lifestyle change turned into an obsession with food. I did my research before we started, read quite a few books. If I had them with me, I would pull out some reference quotes, but one claim that kept coming up was effortless weight loss and management. Now, I'm not overweight and I'm lucky enough to have never been overweight, but I've got a woman's body with hips and thighs and a belly and breasts when I so enviously lust after the figure of the small boned and the androgynous, tiny and curveless. I can be so self-deprecating, saying things like, "If I'm wearing the small, what the hell are people who are actually small wearing?" So all this talk about losing weight appealed to me (and my slightly self-destructive side).

But I didn't lose weight without watching calories, and when I did start to watch calories, I was grumpy and hungry, a general pain in Madeline's ass, all for about 3 pounds over a couple months. And the cravings. I was in a constant daydream about pizza, burgers, fries, falafel,... vegan or not, I wanted it all. There were good days and good raw meals, but when I gave 80/10/10 a go, that kind of broke me.

Throughout this, though, working out has been a solace. I feel strong when I'm hiking, cleansed after a run. I finally made it to the community yoga class this week, and it kind of kicked my butt and I was so sore the next day, but in a good way. I'm excited to increase my mileage each week, and I'm excited to increase my endurance. I'm going to keep working out, keep moving everyday, in the pursuit of strength. I'm going to stop comparing myself to others and find my own strength.

So I've abandoned my raw journey and going back to being vegan, albeit a vegan who eats a lot of fruit and vegetables (imagine that!). No junk, no preservatives, no artificial flavors, just real, whole foods. Don't eat crap.

The story could end there, but that's actually where things got interesting. If you've read the blog of a length of time, you may recall that I. Love. Bread. Specifically, a good french loaf, but anything soft and starchy will do. So the first thing we added back into our diets were whole-grain sprouted tortillas and then bagels.

My body freaked the fuck out.

I was crampy and constipated. That lovely complexion I had cultivated during my raw days was marred by deep and painful cystic pimples on my chin and a weird, spotty rash that spread across my chest and upper back. The rash thing happened to me once before a couple years back and lasted for almost six months, during which I reconfigured my entire wardrobe around very high necklines. I was miserable and wondered if I'd ruined my ability to eat cooked food forever. But it occurred to me that I had incidentally been gluten-free for the past few months, and maybe that was the problem. I'm unable to verify this with a doctor, as I don't currently have health insurance, and you have to ingest gluten for a couple months for a blood test to be viable, but I substituted my bread products for gluten free varieties about a week ago, and my skin has almost completely cleared. So who knew? All these years and all the money I've spent on unsuccessful acne treatments, maybe all along I've had an undiagnosed gluten-intolerance. I'm still kind of pouty at my lack of french bread and eating out as a gluten-free vegan seems next to impossible, but I've had surprisingly few cravings since adding more cooked foods to my diet. So far so good.

I'm not sure if I'm going to keep blogging. I don't want to talk about food anymore, because I'm tired of thinking about it. Maybe I'll use it as an all-purpose blog, document my knitting as I had intended a while back. I'm not sure yet.

-Eloise

Day 133

Man, it's so easy to let blogless days slide by. My camera is on its way home to me, though. I find it so much easier to post with pictures to anchor my thoughts.

Raw and I have reached an understanding. We are going to co-exist in a way that makes us both happy. To be honest, with the zeal of a new convert, I pushed myself to be too raw, too hard, too fast, and I was unhappy. After giving strict 80/10/10 a go, I found myself incredibly unsatisfied and unhealthily obsessed with food. It's all I was thinking of, what I was going to eat and what I couldn't eat. Every night as I fell asleep, I was having intense cravings for non-vegan foods that I haven't eaten in years, even things I'd never in my life considered eating. I didn't want to be raw anymore. I barely even wanted to be vegan.

So here are my compromises. I'm sticking with the low fat framework, keeping the percentage of my calories that come from fat each day to 10-12%. I'm eating all fruit and veggies throughout the day. At the moment, I just can't stand to eat a salad, so I'm not pushing it. Instead, I'm getting my greens in smoothies and I've been making wraps for dinner using sprouted grain tortillas from Food for Life. That little bit of bread is making all the difference in the world. To mix it up, I've been experimenting with different dressings. My current favorite was found here, which I'm going to post with my minor mods:

Liquid Gold

1/2 c olive oil

1/2 c water

1/3 c lemon juice

2 Tbsp balsamic vinegar

1/4 c Nama Shoyu

1/2 c Nutritional Yeast

2 tsp Dijon Mustard

1 tsp ground cumin

Shake in a mason jar to mix. Dressing can be kept in a jar with a lid, refrigerated for 2 weeks. Makes 2 cups.

I am loving this stuff.

Other stuff I am loving includes My Daily Plate over at Livestrong.com. Like the cron-o-meter, it can be used to track calories and nutrients, but it's so much more. It can also track exercise, determine your optimal calorie intake based on your goals and includes more packaged food. The abundance of advertising is rather annoying, but being able to log into any computer to track my day is really convenient. Right now, I have my goal set to lose 1.5lbs per week, which for me means that I can take a day off each week to forgo keeping track and let myself indulge a bit without entirely derailing. It's been really great so far and I've already started dropping some of those last few vanity pounds. I sound like an ad for the damn thing, but I'm excited and I wish I'd found it sooner!

-Eloise

Day 122

Four months raw!

My (three-month old) camera had to be sent out to be repaired, so it's going to be cellphone pics or bust around here for the next couple weeks.

Yesterday was the close to the epitome of an idyllic summer day for me. I slept in until 9, cleaned out a closet and hauled out three garbage bags of junk, exercised on the treadmill and then showered all before noon. In the afternoon, I brought a blanket, a book, my knitting and quart of farmer's market strawberries outside and relaxed under a tree in the grass behind by building for a few hours. The perfect mix of getting stuff done and doing nothing.

There are two things that I struggle with that have made this last month of going raw less fulfilling for me than the previous ones: I wind up running the other way when confronted with dogma, and I want to be perfect. These are not new issues, and I know they both stem from getting kicked out of my church when I was a teenager. Being barred from the community that I had devoted myself to makes me question everything, and I cannot accept that there is only one way to live, that any human being has all the answers. However, not wanting to adhere to the rules is in direct competition with my need to prove my worth, to be the best at whatever I attempt.

I've been pushing myself to be more and more raw, more "pure." One by one, I cut out nuts, oils, spices, salt. I've been eating just fruit and veggies. I've felt pretty good physically, but mentally, it's been agonizing. I was craving cooked foods hardcore, and I would have given my right arm for savory. So two nights ago, I made a salad dressing: lemon juice, tahini, maple syrup, ginger, garlic and Nama Shoyu. 1/8 cup of that on a huge salad of spinach, cukes, peppers, basil and tomatoes and all was right in my world again.

I think that happiness is equally important as health, and if I had to choose one over the other, I'd rather be 100% happy than 100% healthy. And I don't necessarily think that cooked food = inherently unhealthy. I've had to step back from some of the raw communities I've been participating in, because sometimes the spiritualism and moralism associated with eating raw can be too much for me. Eating raw does not make me a better person. It does not foster compassion and kindness. It does not bring me closer to God. It's just a way of eating. I'm giving myself permission to step back, to enjoy food and preparing meals again. Still raw for now, keeping the fat around 10-15% of my total calories. But I'm making salad dressing.

I feel like this is a common theme in my blog, perpetual quandaries about what I should be doing versus what I want to be doing, making choices based on other people's perceptions versus making choices for myself. So many of the other raw blogs I read are so happy all the time, jiving with the universe and perfectly content with their raw lives. Part of me thinks that people just aren't talking about what a challenge it can be. I have days where I'm blissfully happy, and if I only blogged on those days, it would be a very skewed picture. Actually, I think I need to blog more when I'm happy, because I typically am. I don't think my blog accurately reflects that.

But other days are difficult. Even now, I feel a degree of guilt about taking a step back, that I haven't lived up to the standards I've set for myself, that I'm not trying hard enough. And maybe other bloggers are perfectly content. I don't know. But tomorrow is my girlfriend's birthday, and I'm going to take her out for a not-raw breakfast when she's off from work on Wednesday. And I'm going to enjoy myself without guilt. The next day, we're going to a pick-your-own farm for strawberries, and I have a feeling we'll mono-meal on them for the day. And I'll have fun. And that's what counts.

-Eloise

Day 119

Cell phone pictures while hiking. MySpace-tastic!

I am happy. Everyday without fail, I've been running, hiking or walking. Everyday I sweat. Going raw has given me energy, but becoming active has given me life.

That is all.

-Eloise

Day 115: pt 2

Fred blissed out on catnip

Happy picture to balance out the glum. The cats always make me smile.

Also, this morning while I was hiking, a frog and a butterfly crossed my path. I almost wish I'd brought my camera with me, cause the frog was just chilling while we studied each other for a while, but it's nice to be present in the moment without thinking of the next. I'm trying to do that more.

I just got back from a walk around my neighborhood, and I feel better. Moving always helps.

-Eloise

Day 115

My first durian experience was less than wonderful. The smell didn't bother me. The texture, though reminiscent of an omelet, as Madeline put it, was tolerable. But the taste. It had potential, but there was a strong garlicky aftertaste that made me gag. I tried, but I just couldn't do it.

It's been a rough day. With Memorial Day, I had one too many days off in a row. Madeline, of course, still works. I went for a long hike this morning, but I've felt aimless and gloomy all day. The air smells like barbecue, and this is alternately revolting and mouthwatering. I'm not hungry, but neither am I satiated. I feel like I'm not making progress, and instead of persevering, this makes me want to give up.

I know that I'm pmsing. It feels like such a cop-out, but it's like I'm a different person for almost two weeks every month. I lose all my inertia and become so pessimistic about everything. I just looked back in the archives to see the last time I mentioned pms, and it was on April 22nd. So right on time, I suppose. I never did get around to ordering evening primrose oil supplements, but I suppose I should.

I read somewhere that the music your favorite music as a teenager will be your favorite style of music for the rest of your life. I strongly suspect this to be true, since no matter which of my favorite songs or artists I put into Pandora, I seem to come up with the same station. For me, Ani Difranco got me through many of those angsty years, and even now, I always go to her to first. She's so prolific that there's always something that fits my mood. It's like comfort music

These two have been on repeat today:

Present/Infant (full lyrics):

don't let the sellers of stuff power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place

there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face

Evolve (full lyrics):

and i'm becoming transfixed
with nature and my part in it
which i believe just signifies
i'm finally waking up

So what's your comfort music?

-Eloise

Day 114

Rambutan

Since fruit has become our mainstay around here, I've been wanted to try different varieties beyond the typical apple, orange, banana, grape, peach, strawberry rut we've been stuck in. My local produce market has great prices, but not the best selection. Consequently, I've been hitting up the produce places across the city with mixed success. It's like a treasure hunt. Sometimes I find new and exciting things, other times it's a wash. I have discovered that I do not like papaya. At all.

The other day I came home with two rambutan. They're small, about the size of golf balls, and look like what I used to call "itchy balls" when I was a kid (googling "spiky balls that fall from trees" tells me that officially they're the seeds of sweet gum trees). I had never seen them before, but Madeline recognized them right away as something she'd eaten when she was a kid. She sliced them in half, and we scooped out to meat from around the seed. The taste was very subtle, but the texture was incredible. Like a crisp hardboiled egg. That sounds awful, but it was really good. I would get more if they weren't so expensive.

Today, my plan was to go on a hike and then head over the the art museum. I just recently found out that I get in free with my student ID, and I've been wanted to take advantage of that. Unfortunately when I got to the museum, the line was crazy long, easily 50 people deep before it even went through the front doors. I had a feeling it was either going to be packed or empty considering it's Memorial Day weekend, and clearly it was packed. I'm really not a fan of being in crowded places, so I sat on the steps to people watch and read a book for a while. It was a great vantage point to seeing the whole city in front of me, so I pulled out my camera and accidentally caught the coolest picture:


Right in the middle of the frame is a bird that flew by just as I was taking the shot. Just incredible.

Since I was already downtown, I decided to head over to another produce market that I'd heard about, and finally found my first durian. Madeline will be very happy, because she's tired of hearing me say, "I want to try new fruit. Like durian." I'd read about it in various places, and apparently it's been stuck in my head. So now I have one, and a little blue ribbon that tells me it's "super quality." There's a cartoon pig on the other side. I have no idea. I hung it up in the bathroom near the "personal watermelon" sign I nicked from the grocery store a while back. I have no clue how to eat the damn thing, though. I'll google that, too, I suppose. Google knows everything.

I also picked up a case of yellow mangoes while I was there. They were a little more pricey than I really wanted to spend, but they were ripe and ready to be eaten and looked so good. I had three as soon as I got home.

I do really well throughout the day, but for some reason, at night when I'm falling asleep, I've been getting really strong and vivid cravings for weird cooked foods. Last night it was mayonnaise on a loaf of french bread. I haven't eaten mayo in about four years now, since we went vegan, and I was never a huge fan. It was always just on condiment on my sandwiches. I'm not really sure what it means.

-Eloise

Day 113

It was pointed out to me that I've been talking about 80/10/10 a lot lately, but never actually explained what it is. I know that not everyone around here is raw, so here's a brief rundown.

80/10/10, or 811, is a method of raw veganism in which 80% of your calories come from carbs, 10% from protein and 10% from fat. It's basically eating a low fat raw vegan diet, as opposed to high fat and nut heavy. It's based on this book by Dr Doug Graham. He advocates that most of your diet should consist of fruit, that it's our natural, biological diet, and we should eat it in simple combinations of 2-3 items at most at a time. Mono-meals, an abundance of one fruit, is best and least taxing for the digestive system.

811 is not a low calorie diet and highly encourages exercise. To get the necessary nutrients, it's important to eat around 2000 calories a day and then exercise to burn off about 500 calories. This is a lot of fruit, and I'm actually having trouble eating as much as I should. I just get distracted and forget to eat.

To give you an idea of how my days have been going, this is what I ate yesterday:

7 bananas
3 oranges
1 pear
1.5 cups cherry tomatoes
3 cups spinach
2 cups mango
1 cup papaya
1 oz cashews

It wasn't a great day for me. I only ate 1497 cals, which is way too low. My ratios were decent, though: 84/6/11. I'm using the CRON-o-meter to help track my intake, which is really helpful. Today has been better so far:

5 cups watermelon
3 pints of strawberries
4 bananas
4 dates
3 pears
1 papaya

I'm going to eat a two ears of corn, which will bring me to 2096 and 89/5/6. Corn is crazy high in calories. No wonder why they give it to animals instead of grass to fatten them up. My day was much better on the cals, but I need to work on getting my protein up a bit higher.

I've been hanging out a lot lately at 30 Bananas a Day, which is a great place to be if you have questions or need support in 811. Eating this way makes a lot more sense to me than using cups of nuts in each meal. I feel good so far.

-Eloise

Day 112

The current state of the fruit table. Minus the watermelon. I cut that up for dinner.

I want to be a runner. I want to be the type of person who says, "I went on a short five mile run this morning" as if it was no big deal. I want to run a marathon. I want to look good in spandex shorts.

My dad's a runner, and it's something I've always really admired about him. I remember being in 6th grade and getting on the bus at an ungodly hour on a cold winter morning. We were all bundled in parkas with hats and mittens. As the bus rolled down my street, we passed my dad who was heading home from his morning run. In shorts. One of the cool boys on the bus exclaimed, "That's so hardcore! That guy's running in shorts!" And I was so proud to say that was my dad. He's run multiple marathons. He ran the Marine Corp marathon in 1994,the same year as Oprah, and passed her on the course. He doesn't run as much lately, but he's still heavily involved with his local runner's club, helping to organize races.

It's not that I haven't had the opportunity or tried before, but I've never gone about it the right way. I always push myself to go too far too fast in the beginning. So that's my motivation to starting Couch to 5k. It's meant to ease a beginner into running through interval training By the middle of the summer, I should be running a little over three miles regularly. That's the plan, anyway.

Today was day one, and it went well. My running was a respectable pace, and I tried to pay close attention to my form, so I don't set myself up for bad habits later on. I didn't get a stitch in my side and I didn't feel like my lungs were going to burst, all of the hallmarks of my previous running experiences. None of the neighbors pounded on the door because of how loud the treadmill is, which I was kind of afraid of. We talked to them, but you never know. Oh, also, instead of timing myself or watching the distance, I'm using this podcast, which is working out really well.

So here's to being more like my dad! I never, ever thought I would say it, but somehow I am becoming more and more like him every day. I kind of accidentally became an engineer, and now the whole running thing. I suppose there are worse things. I'll just skip the mustache, thanks.

-Eloise

Day 111

Yesterday, the back of my living room looked like this:

Today, it looks like this:
As an aside, why are cats never attracted to the thing specifically purchased for them, but run right to the new, shiny thing you'd rather not have them sitting on?

So our treadmill is here! We paid extra to have it delivered and set up, which was totally worth it. First of all, we're on the fourth floor and this thing weighs more than both Mad and I combined. Also, assembling Ikea furniture typically results in us not on speaking terms for a good couple hours. I guarantee if we tried to put this thing together, this would be an entirely different post.

Now we have no excuses left for not exercising and one very big and expensive reason why we should. Also, when you think about it, in the long term, we'll be saving money by not buying exercise apparel. I'm totally running in a sports bra and sneakers. Maybe undies. We'll see. I'm heading out shortly to get fitted for some new running shoes, and tomorrow starts day one of couch to 5k. I'm still going to the park to hike every other morning. Outside is good.

I haven't been posting a lot about food lately, cause honestly, it's boring. Madeline and I are doing 80/10/10, which is really amazing so far. It really makes sense with what I've thought all along: nuts are way too high in fat and calories, and getting into shape is not going to happen on a high fat diet. Even if it is raw. So mostly we eat fruit. Today so far, I've had 1/2 lb of strawberries and 9 peaches. I'm going to grab a bag of grapes to take with me on my way out. I'll make big salads for us tonight for dinner. Nothing really blog worthy.

I was just emailed some more pics from graduation, so here's one more that I love of Madeline, myself and my best friend, J:

-Eloise

Day 108

With my little brother. So to speak.

It's official! I am officially a college graduate. It's really amazing. I was looking forward to finishing, but the sense of accomplishment that I felt walking across the stage was incredible. I have worked so hard for this. High school was a very difficult time for me, and I barely graduated. For a few years, I worked unfulfilling jobs and really had no purpose. When I made up my mind to go to college, though, it was for me, and I was determined to do my best. I said no to a lot of parties, I forewent nights out to study, and there is a chair in the library that perfectly conforms to my butt from the hours I've spent sitting in it.

Forgive me, then, if I take the moment to revel in my accomplishments. On Friday, there was an award ceremony where I received an award and a complimentary membership to a professional organization in my field. On Sunday, I graduated summa cum laude with a perfect 4.0 cumulative GPA. I was also given an award for the highest scholastic achievement in my school (there are five schools that comprise my university). I was also awarded a research assistantship position and in exchange for 20 hours of research a week, I get complete tuition remission and a stipend.

At the award ceremony with my parents

And I am so excited for grad school. I think before it felt like just a continuation of school, but graduation really helped to frame my undergrad. I'm excited to start with a fresh slate and I'm excited to get into new research and I'm really motivated to work.

Before that, though, I have the whole lovely summer ahead of me. I'll still be working, but my schedule is flexible and I'll have three whole days off, two of which coincide with Madeline's days off. I'll be running, going to park, hiking, painting the apartment, cleaning out all the clutter we've accumulated, and just basically taking time to relax.

I'll be honest, this has not been the raw-est weekend... there may have been some tequila along the way. But I've been reading 80/10/10 and mono-mealing bananas today, and I feel really good about going further with my diet. I'm feeling the raw love again.

-Eloise

Day 105

Nap time, apparently

It's not the best picture, but it definitely made me smile. Yesterday, I walked into the living room and found Madeline and all four of the cats asleep. The first thing I did was get the camera to take a picture. The second thing was to settle onto the end of the couch with a book.

Also. I get it. I've been wondering why I haven't been feeling the raw love lately and why I'm been so emotional. I've been frustrated and upset about things I thought I had moved way beyond, and I've been sabotaging my own efforts at getting healthier. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

As my diet improves and I eat more light and simple meals, I'm also getting rid of one of my main coping mechanisms for suppressing my emotions. I've had so much clarity and insight into myself these past few weeks, but I haven't made the connection to what I've been eating. But come on, that's what emotional eating is, filling an emotional void so we don't have to think about what's really bothering us.

I can see this now. So I'm going to try to work through what I've been going through, try to process it instead of putting it away. This summer is all about me, loving me, taking care of me. It's not selfish, I have to keep telling myself that. I need to take care of myself, and I will be better for it.

-Eloise

Day 103

Garden of weeds

It's getting late in planting season, and I haven't done a thing with my container garden yet, but look what I discovered on the balcony today! It's actually starting to look like a garden again. Other than the chives, I have no idea if anything is of any worth. I didn't think that much of what I planted was perennial. In the pots last year were tomatoes, strawberries, chives and peppers, clockwise from the top left. Anyone have any clue if I might actually be growing fruit and veggies? Or are they weeds?

Herbs? These didn't even sprout last year

I took my last final today, which means I can blog, knit and otherwise procrastinate with a clear conscience. There's no lab work and no studying to be done. I don't think it's completely sunk in yet. I still feel very tense. I think it's more than school work, though. Even when I've had the time, I haven't wanted to go hiking in the past few days. I tricked myself into taking a walk both yesterday and today. Yesterday, I told myself I was going to mail a letter at the mailbox two blocks away. I did, and then I just kept walking through the neighborhood, looking at gardens and letting my mind wander. Today I took out the garbage and just started walking again. For someone who doesn't want to be outside or exercise at the moment, those hour plus walks were certainly cathartic. I felt much better when I got home. Why is it that I resist what I know will make me feel better?

It's a bad habit of mine to focus my anger and frustration on small things and realize much later that it's a bigger issue that's bothering me. I've been trying to be more aware and in tune with what I'm really feeling. If I make myself go outside and walk, sometimes the pieces sort themselves out on their own. As far as I can tell, there are two issues that are bothering me. In the immediate future, my parents are visiting twice this weekend. I love them, but our relationship is strained at best. And that relates to the bigger picture.

The short version is that as I get older, I need my parents less and less. Though I work, they've help to support me through college. I've secured funding for grad school that will largely take care of living expenses, but I may still need their help to some extent. When I start working, though, I won't. My father tries to keep an open mind, but my mother is vehemently against gay marriage and against gay couples raising children, both of which I intend to do within the next decade. This has been underscored by the fact that my cousin got engaged this past week. I am very happy for her, I think that her and her fiance make a great couple, but in contrast I know that the church wedding I dreamed of as a kid is not a reality for me. I've fought fiercely for independence, but the thought of estrangement makes me sad. Completing undergrad is a huge milestone, but it also puts me closer to this. I didn't choose to be gay. It's been almost nine years since I came out, though, and it's unlikely that my mother will change. The way I deal with it is what has to change.

This has nothing to do with being raw, but I think I'm hoping that acknowledging it and putting it out there will keep me from repressing how I feel and coping with emotional eating. Bleh.

Also, I miss Madeline. She's been working such long hours lately. She leaves the house at 6am, before I get up (although I get a kiss when she's on her way out the door), she gets home after nine at night, has enough time to eat dinner and spend time with me briefly before she crashes before 11. Ostensibly she has two days off, but she goes in then, too, if there are things that need to get done. I don't in any way resent the time she spends at work. It's essential to her career, and she needs to establish herself. It's just the way it's going to be for now. I'm just used to spending more time with her, and I feel a little lost at home in the evenings by myself.

Okay. All the negativity goes in this one post. Now we can move on.

-Eloise